The Graduate.

Today that is May 31,2007 as of 1700 hours, the moment i handed in my paper I graduated from college. Not in the technical sense though. Today my final VIII semester exams got over and with it the curtain fell on my college life.

Four years i lived the life of a care-free college student. The four years that i can't even properly remember today, how will i remember it 10-20yrs down the line. It is as though i sleepwalked through it.

Lets see the statistics...
Taking on an average 6 subjects each semester, that comes out to 48 theory subjects. 48 practicals,16 sessionals, 16 practical examinations( internal+external), 8 semester exams.
I av survived all this. But right now if u ask me am i any wiser than i was when i stepped into college. I dnt know.

Don't ask about studies. As far as that part is concerned i am still surviving with the basics i learnt in in school. College just fine-tuned it a bit. What i learned was more important. College made me face the stark realities of life... about friendship, about priorities, whom to care for and whom not.. taught me when to keep shut. More importantly to keep shut.It taught me..it doesnt matter how intelligent you are, how much know... what matters is how you present stuff and yourself in front of others. It taught me how people can sweet-talk when they need you... and they forget you the moment the work is done... it taught me never to go on looks..looks can be deceptive...the most harmless looking of creatures may just deliver the killing sting. It taught me to be involved yet be detached.. to love but let go... it introduced me to the most amazing bunch of people i av ever met...(you know who u are;) )

i had my share of fun, laughs,tears...
heartbreak, fights, bunks....
trips, gossips and fests...
parties which made everything seem best.

In all it is difficult to sum up four years in abstract. Next i'll go year wise. like the say...

...to be contd.

Perfect day

how is a perfect day supposed to be...
how happy is happy...
how does one enjoy..
why is a birthday supposed to e special..
how do u categorise fun..
how can one slot friends...

God! knows why i am mentioning all these things..
sometimes my mind wanders...random thoughts...

How is one supposed to celebrate their birthday..
why is this day so important...
why can't we celebrate each day..

its just that i don't feel a year older...
i don't feel as old as i am..
its as though i have lived my entire life in a limbo...
not achieved anything...
not had the so called teenage-rebellion...
its feels as though years are running past me and i am yet to catch up with them...
i can see wrinkles on my face (he he)

no seriously! i think i need to take stock of my life...
need to buckle up my shoes..or tie my laces properly (which i am still to learn)...
get career oriented...
get a life- wild but a bit mild...
go trekking...see places..go on a cruise...
frnds who love me for what i am... and not cause i am always around...

the list is on..
but i'll stop now...

On a more happy note:
Happy Birthday to me!!!

Outward Apperances

why is it so important to look good?? and that too not for oneself but to meet other people exacting standards. I saw a show the other day on television...the whole concept revolves around the weight loss of some extremely obese people. The thing that got me thinking was that these people did not want to lose weight for health reasons but most of them wanted to do so, so that i could impress people, av girlfriends/boyfriends etc.

Its not that i am against the loss of weight etc. but what i dont understand is the obsession with looking good.. and that too not for oneself but for the sake of others... And we as a society also stress a lot on looks.. i always find people commenting on other people's appearances. Everyone wants to be fair. Its as though skin colour would make you a better person.. make you more acceptable etc etc..(all the black v/s white stuff)

We are a society obessessed with looks. I just can't fathom( i really wanted to use this word) why. Clothes, brands..etc

a complete ass may swagger in branded clothes as though he owns the world. While noone will even bother to talk to a guy who may av the brains and heart in the right place just cause he doesn't dress well,

well as i always say its a funny world i live in.

Exams or Egg-jams!!!

Exam time for me folks!!!
I don't know why but it is when the exams are fast approaching and i dnt know an iota that i am at my creative best...(please don't go by the quality of my blogs to judge my creativity). I find things to do... thoughts to ponder upon... topics to discuss with people.. that all of a sudden vanish the moment the exams are over. Even the television networks are against me.. always will the movie that i av been waiting to see for ages be shown during my exams(not that this stops me from still watching it)...

The very basic problem that i face during exams is that i don't start studying till the very end. Moreover i read. Yes!!i read. Be it theory,numericals,mathematical solutions,derivations and even diagrams. The pencil that i always have in my hand during studying is meant for just underlining a few lines that i deem important... my book still looks new at the end of the session. I like to handle my things with upmost care... Now don't misinterpret my reading habit as Mugging up or cramming. What i mean by reading is actually reading- Just like one would read a Harry Potter (though with a little less enthusiasm).. i am a fast reader. just like i finish a novel in like 2hrs or so, similarly my course finishes in 3hrs or so. Then the problem arises that i need to go through it again inoreder to actually get reday for my exams. In between my exam-reading bout..i may wander around, read newspaper etc.

so that was all about how i prepare for exams. A sudden random though struck me (like i said my mental juices work the best during exams).. why do we pronunciate words the way we do. WE know that the curretn pronunciation of a word is lets say X, after a few years X is the wrong way it is supposed to be pronounced as Y.

Let me cite a few instances. When i was young(i still am)..i mean in school like in class 4-5, the word 'EDUCATION' was pronounced as 'ee-ju-ca-tion'. Some years hence we were told it should be 'ee-DU-ca-tion'. Now everyone who uses the former is looked at as though his ee-du-ca-tion was incomplete. 'OFTEN'..the correct is i think- 'of-en' but i few days ago an amercanised friend of mine said 'of-ten'. Thats not all. We pronounce the word 'ANTI' as 'an-ty', i saw on television people using 'an-tie'.. little wonder somedays later i will be informed that the american way of saying it is correct. 'SULTAN'-- 'sul-ta-aan' becomes 'sul-tn'. THe evergreen debate that i find is on how to say the word - 'LINUX'. I have had the best of people debate on it. Some say - 'lee-nux' other say it is 'lie- nex'. Someone clear me of my dilemma.

To end with.. all of a sudden i remember when i was around 7 or 8.. i used these words to impress my dad. I asked him would he like a 'botch-quitch' of flowers.. that was my way of interpreting the word 'Bouquet'(book-A).. next one i was like what a 'cha-os'.. that was the word CHAOS( k-os). THe way the mind of a child interprets things. I just wish english was simpler.

Youth

Youth
By Samuel Ullman (1840¡V1924)

Youth is not a time of life. It is a state of mind. It is not a matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow old by deserting their ideals.
Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair. these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to dust.

Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and star-like things and thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life.
You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair.

In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station. So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur, courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite,so long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

General Douglas MacArthur quoted the above piece without attribution on his seventy-fifth birthday, in a speech to the Los Angeles County Council, American Legion, Los Angeles, California, January 26, 1955.

He had this framed over his desk
throughout the Pacific campaign. It is believed that the Japanese picked up the work from his Tokyo headquarters. Unlikely as it may sound, this essay, written more than 70 years ago, is the underpinning of much Japanese productivity and the basis of many business-people' s life philosophies. Many carry creased copies in their wallets. Anyone worth his salt in Japanese business knows and uses this essay, says one long-time Japanese observer.
Ullman's great-grandson, Richard Ullman Rosenfield, a psychologist tells that he had been intrigued by the 'spiritual journey' of the above essay, especially in Japan.

"It is our Popeye's spinach," said Tatsuro Ishida, who was the deputy chairperson of Fujisankei Communications Group.

it's really a matter of choice

Av you ever wondered that in the end it comes to our individual choice- call it a decision governed by facts, or a choice arrived at by pondering over many aspects... in the end it is a choice.
Yesterday night while trying to fall asleep after a very eventful day(about that in a later post)..i just wondered isnt lifew all about making choices.. all through we choose a path based on the choice that seems right at that particular moment...it starts from the moment we are conceived till the end...

right v/s wrong; truth v/s lie; Left v/s Right; Black v/s white; English v/s Hindi; MBA v/s Job; Love marriage v/s arranged marriage; Home cooked food v/s take away; me v/s you; India v/s abroad; Friendship v/s love; study v/s party...choice of friends...of the company to work for..the future path to take inorder to reach our goals...how we react at a particular moment- we either be cool,composed or just blast off... it is all a matter of choice.. a choice that sometimes reflects on how we have been conditioned to think... a choice that may sometimes talk us into taking the less trodden path...

But whatever be our choices it is all about living life to the fullest so that when the end comes we don't have any regrets.

Reqiem for a dead child

The title sounds so tragic yet at the same time so romantic. I had read a novel long time back in which the main protagonist a female when jilted in love had given this as the title of her composition... and somehow this has from then struck a chord with me (no pun intended).

Maybe i should dedicate this title to myself as - Requiem to the dead me!!! That sounds nice.. guess i am getting morose. Its just that i feel dead inside. I laugh;I crack jokes; I smile when i answer people monotonically...but there is a part of me that stays detached;that wants to break free; that wants to hurt people so that they know how it feels when it hurts.

Somehow i feel used.Atleast a prostitute gets paid for services rendered. I am the punching bag. Need a shoulder to cry, here i am. Need someone to listen to u rant against the big bad world. here i am. Need someone to listen to your meaningless chatter, here i am. Need someone just to talk to, here i am. Need someone to shop with, here i am. Need company, here i am. Need someone to minister to you when you are sick, here i am. Need someone to confess or confide into, here i am.

But, where are people when i need them??????

Devil's Advocate

Calvin: Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?
Hobbes: I'm not sure that man needs the help

There is a devil inside each one of us. However hard we may try to refute this fact,its a universal truth. It nudges us in the most unseeming of situations, makes us wonder about thoughts that we should not even venture into.

Haven't you ever encountered him?? He is right there inside you. Making you do things that you wouldn't otherwise do. Making you feel at the moment of other's victory that, that moment might have been yours had you got the opportunity. Making you feel that the well-deserved promotion of your colleague should have been rightfully your. Making you jealous when a friend steals the march on you in exams. You are glad when a friend gets the job but are sad that you didn't make it. He is the one that forces you to be the center of all attention. Makes you do things in a group that you otherwise wouldn't . He is the face that rears itself when you are stoned out of your mind.

This devil that i av been talking about in the previous paragraph is nothing but our other self. A self that we keep hidden. One that rears its head in the form of jealously, spite, anger, vengeance, etc.. a number of names that we call our second self.

Everyone wants to be loved for themselves. But each one of us has an ugly side. A side that sometimes makes us act in ways that we normally would not have. One that makes us laugh when we torment someone with our acts. It is fun for us but not for the other person. A side that finds solace when we indulge ourselves. Most of the times we keep this side of our's hidden but it comes out however hard we may try. A side that makes us want fame, money, position... everything glitzy... however loudly we might proclaim to the world that we are simple hardworking souls who want just satisfaction...

If we look into this from another angle... we might see that it may be the devil in us that makes us succeed...that goads us into working hard...that sometimes makes us take a path that we normally would not av traversed... gives us the guts to take hard decisions... and sometimes makes us avenge ourselves to our utter satisfaction. A satisfaction that we might not have got had we remained angelic in nature or lets me say... too straightforward...

coz sometimes in this world we need something to push ourselves further...
that is exactly what our other side provides. Love it or hate it...It's there by your side.Period.

just lyrics

Tuz Se Naaraaj Naheen Jindagee
Hairaan Hoo Main
Tere Maasoom Sawaalon Se
Pareshaan Hoo Main

Jeene Ke Liye Sochaa Hee Nahee
Dard Sanbhaalane Honge
Muskuraye To, Muskuraane Ke
Karja Utaarane Honge
Muskuraoo Kabhee To Lagataa Hai
Jaise Hothhon Pe, Karja Rakhaa Hain

Tuz Se Naaraaj ...

Aaj Agar Bhar Aayee Hai
Boonde Baras Jaayegee
Kal Kyaa Pataa In Ke Liye
Aankhe Taras Jaayegee
Jaane Kab Gam Huaa, Kahaa Khoyaa
Yek Aansoo, Chhupaa Ke Rakhaa Thaa

Tuz Se Naaraaj...

choti choti si baat

na jaane kyu hota he zindagi ke saath...
kisi ke jane ke bad
kare phir uski yaad
choti choti si baat

purdah system

delhi's blueline buses are an experience in itself. the sheer variety that gets on in terms of people, culture, status is exalting...

today while coming back home. i heard some snippets of conversation between three grown up almost middle-aged men... this was before they realized a female(me) was sitting in the diagonally opposite row and could hear them..

well here goes the conversation..
aajkal ladkio ko dekho.. cell phone gharwale de dete he.. aur 6-7 ghante phone par laki rehti he... uska baap kya ch***** ki usse kuch pta nhi chal raha ki kya ho raha he..
baas inko chhut de do...
(at this moment the realised that i could hear their conversation)

next snippet
khandaani ladkia to aankh utha ke nhi dekhti kisi ladke ko..

next line
humare ghar me to purdah hota he... sab kuch thik chalta he aise

well.. dis shows me how backward people can actually be... hypocrisy of the highest order... i found those bastards even judging me.... it makes me question what sort of india do we live in... one where the outer shell is westernized but insides are still caught in a time-web...

Is seeing, believing???

i went through a few blogs of my acquaintances...
a friend questioned me on my stance of not chatting with strangers...
i spoke to a friend on phone...

different scenes. very unconnected.
but they all have the same underlying theme...

av u ever wondered what is the difference between talking to a person face-to-face, on phone or for the matter chatting with them!!!
i av always found a huge difference..

lets take it scene wise...

1. The blog
I ws surprised when i read the blogs of these people whom i know though not very well. know in the sense that i see them almost everyday. when i read their posts, my entire perception changed. lets say i am confused between what is real and what is surreal.what or who do i believe..
they person i see or the person i read...
when you meet a person..speak to him/her.. you form a perception... now i don't know who the real person is.. one that is portrayed in front of us..or the person who pours out feelings in the most beautiful/soulful manner...

2. i av a policy.. i dnt indulge in msgr chatting with people whom i dnt know personally... nor do i ever accept friend requests from people i av never seen, nver met.
why is dis so???
coz i think that people can assume personalities that they are not... talk in a manner that they wont assume in reality... try to be someone they are not... and moreover simple statements maybe misunderstood for the simple reason that the tone of saying it was misinterpreted. if i know a person personally i know how he/she puts things or certain pet words... no harm done..
now again comes the question of the seen v/v the unseen... internet romances gone kaput... why..because expectations don't measure up... cause chatting is not the same as living.... we make promises that we wouldn't otherwise had we been face-to-face...

3. a phone conversation.
i am a mixture of conflicting personalities.. a proper GEMINI to put it simply.
there is a friend of mine with whom i can speak to on phone so freely but when face-to-face i clam up. i just cant hold a conversation. i get an uncomfortable feeling that makes me want people around the two of us..
then there are people i am so close to...when face-to-face we just can't keep shut... we av so much to talk about but so little time... but on phone we just can't hold a conversation... conversation topic's run dry... then we are like -> what else- what else.. a sorry state indeed...

well i analyzed the latter situation.. that is maybe because of the fact that when face-to-face our respective energies drive us... that which, when apart doesn't work.. i am scared what if the relationship does not work if we av distances between us.. i mean just because we can't converse on phone properly what if our friendship looses its vitality..we loose touch...

The underlying fact is seeing is believing but how true is it...
(incomplete... too sleepy)